Day 1: May Story A Day Challenge
It Was Only A Dream
I knew things would not end well from the beginning. Too many secrets, too many questions, and too much focus on me and too much side stepping my questions to you.
I knew better. I have been down this road before, however, it seems I never learn. I ignore all the signs for too long and then can never back out gracefully. STUCK! I never want to hurt anyone, yet, I always allow myself to be the one getting hurt when all is said and done.
I always hope things will be different…things will take a turn for the better and my future will not repeat the past … oh that old adage – “The past is prologue…” bounces around in my brain one more time. As usual, I brush it off and tell myself this time is different. This time I will be careful and not let anyone get the drop on me, take the upper hand and attempt to control me … but I know the trap has been set when I start telling myself … ‘it will be different’ this time.
The above conversation came to me from a new client. She poured out her heart immediately when all I asked was, “What can I do for you today.”
Why is it that clients with the same issues I fight daily … have fought all my life … always finding the way to my couch? How can I help someone when I can’t even help myself? Every day I feel more and more like a fraud. Fearing one day, a client will look at me and shake their head with a knowing look on their face that I don’t have a clue and why should they trust me with deeply held secrets.
I drifted into counseling because of my screwed up life. Being codependent allowed me to be empathetic with those seeking my help allowed me to tell myself that I was not the only one with a messed up life. I listened and compared. I listened and offered suggestions. I listened and deep inside knew exactly how they were feeling, what was going on in their head, yet advice given them was advice I ignored from my own counselor.
In that manner, I was really a fraud. I sought advice, yet, I refused to accept and use it to work on my own personal issues. That advice came pouring from my lips to the ears of others who accepted them without question. These poor souls keep coming back for more and I keep pushing my issues deeper and deeper inside. Hiding from myself as I listen to each of them trying to determine which pearl of wisdom from my counselor I can pass on to them in hops of calming their demons.
My attention came back to the present by the shrill ringing of my desk phone. Why was it ringing? All my calls were to be directed through a service that took messages and passed them along to me at the bottom of each hour.
The phone would not stop ringing. Frustrated, I answered with my words matching my mood. “This is Jane. How may I help you?”
“Oh, thank goodness you answered!” the breathless voice on the other end sighed in relief.
“How may I help you?” I repeated. Not recognizing the voice on the phone.
“Jane, it’s me!” the voice said. “Where are you? We were to start the dinner an hour ago. We can’t begin without you.”
Oh my, it happened again. That nightmare in the middle of the day that I was a fake … a fraud … someone I could never be. Why do I keep dreaming I am a counselor trying to help others when I can’t help myself?
With a sigh of relieve, even though I was late and everyone was waiting, I realized I was right where I was supposed to be. In my kitchen. Looking around, I saw the platters and bowls filled, covered and waiting to get to the dinner I was catering for my best friend.
Calming my frantic friend, I assured her I would be there with the food in a matter of minutes. No apologies, no excused, only that I was running a bit late to a surprise for dessert.
“Pour everyone another glass of wine and everything will be fine when I get there!” “Everyone knows that I move in wine standard time.”
Tonight would be fun…even if I did hold up the party for a bit. People always love my food and as a result I get new catering bookings with each party.
Shaking my head, a chill run through me thinking about that damned dream.
Copyright © 2016 Annie Original Flash Fiction
Always…I wish you peace, joy and happiness, but most of all I wish you Love.
As Ever, Annie